Over the past few months, I feel like I am finding some answers to questions that I have been asking myself for the past year or so, even if some of those answers mean that I won't know in this lifetime and I just have to wait until I see Jesus face to face. That's hard, but I am leaning slowly that I need to content myself with that answer.
You see, I am probably one of the biggest planners you have ever met. I like, no LOVE, having a plan... some distinct direction that I am going in, something that I am striving for to achieve. As soon as I left the womb, I knew that I was going to go to college. As a little girl and teenager, I dreamed of being married and having children. College and marriage were deep down the things that I was waiting for... that was where my life was headed. About 20 months ago, "those two goals were met". I graduated from a school that I absolutely loved and I married my best friend. I thought life would be perfect then, having gotten to where I had always dreamed of being. Shouldn't I be fully satisfied? I thought so... but instead, I questioned, "what now?" Panic overcame me and so many questions began to arise in me. No longer did I have a plan and here I am just a quarter of my life lived. What am I going to do for the next 60 or so years?!!! The achiever and planner in me were/are simply not satisfied.
At times the pain felt like it was too much and the questions just seemed to echo off the walls without any answers. Why am I here? What's the point? If I'm made for Heaven, why can't I just go now? God, what do you want from and with me?
As I am processing through all of this with some of my mentors, I am beginning to understand that I may very well never know "why" I am here. For some reason, God created me for His pleasure and my job here on earth is to live for His glory and love Him with all that I have. I need to content myself with the fact that one day I will know what this life was all about and that is when I see Jesus face to face.
Accepting that fact is more tricky on some days than others.
Until then, what am I supposed to do?
In college, we talked A LOT about calling. I did not really understand the big deal about all of that back then, after all, I was still living my "calling" my finishing up college. I had a plan! Now what, though?! I have never "felt called" to be some big street evangelist, go into the business world, or have any other big career motivation.
I am beginning to understand that some people have a very definite and easy to see path in life, but that most people do not.
So, what are all of us who do not have a life map until we are 80 all drawn out supposed to do? Answer: Be obedient one day at a time. Go to bed each night, knowing that my day glorified the Lord by serving the people that He has placed around me. It's that simple.
It's so simple and yet still hard to accept on some days.
The game plan: Live one day at a time and not worry about a year, 20 years or 40 years from now, but just live each day to its fullest. It sounds so simple, now I just have to get my mind and heart to cooperate.
Have any insights? Thanks for you prayers!
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