This past weekend I finally graduated ... emotionally. As some of you may know, I graduated a year early due to the way credit hours worked out as far as incoming credit and summer Wheaton Programs (which I absolutely loved and are completely worth it!!!) were/are concerned.
On a little side note: I am incredibly excited for my sister to be able to go on Wheaton in the Holy Lands this summer. It is going to be such an incredible and influential experience to walk where Jesus actually walked and lived - I already know it. I can just see her get off that plane and see her for the first time and just see and feel this glow radiating from her!!!! She gets to have a class on Mount Sinai, live in Jerusalem, swim in the Jordan River, visit many of Paul's destinations and so much more. I cannot wait to hear all about it!!!! Hopefully, Andrew and I will get to go to Israel, Turkey, Greece and Italy together sometime with the College or our church.
Moving on: This weekend, my incoming class, the class of 2010, graduated. Three of my closest friends in the world walked across that stage in their royal blue caps and gowns and I could not have been prouder. It was so refreshing to sit their in Coray, the overflow room, with my friends' relatives and just drink in really being at Wheaton again. The whole ceremony was a celebration of Christ and His work in our lives. John Ortberg, Wheaton class of '79, addressed the graduates, faculty, families and friends with a commencement speech. His address was a mix of funny, encouraging, sentimental and inspirational - all of which was incredibly fitting and Christ-centric. I finally cried those big elephant tears (that I had envisioned people cry at graduation) as I wrote congratulatory notes to my roomies. The tears were a mixture of tears of incredible joy and thankfulness for the past few years as well as tears of incredible sadness, knowing that those years at Wheaton are coming to a close and thinking about saying goodbye to three people who have an incredibly large place in my heart and life. As I sat there in Coray gym, listening to John Ortberg, Dr. Litfin and others, I felt an incredible calm, peace and passion fill me. I reflected on my experience at Wheaton College and its mission as well as my personal purpose in life.
In the last few weeks, I have felt a sense of apathy, confusion and questioning. What is the rest of my - now "our" - life going to look like? The past four years have been an incredible joy and blessing and so thinking that that wonderful part of my life is over is quite saddening. Sitting in the gymnasium, though, writing, I was reminded of God's promise and intention for our life.
As Jeremiah 29:11 states, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." His plans for our lives are so much better than our own. Because of this fact we can have such confidence and hope. His love for us is so evident.
This passage gives me such hope as we move on in life and spread back out across the country. Andrew and I have been having several discussions about "purpose" in life. My life until now has had at least some sort of structure and direction. I knew from when I was little that I was to go to elementary school, middle school, high school and then college. Now, college is over and the question arises, "What now? What are our/my lives/life going to look like?" Several weeks ago, we talked about how a life without service is nothing. How easy it is to fall into as self-centered and self-serving lifestyle and attitude... But that life is not satisfactory nor fulfilling.
Thoughts really started getting going the day before graduation when I went to the HNGR (Human Needs and Global Resources) certification ceremony. HNGR is a program at Wheaton that places students for six months in an internship in their field of study and interest in the Global South. Emily, one of my roomies, spent six months in Bolivia working with girls who have experienced sexual abuse and now live in a home that cares for them, teaching them Truth and marketable skills. She graduated with a major in psychology. I was so touched and struck by this group of students for their passion and their courage to go to a country so far away from home and with very difficult living conditions -
all by themselves. They did something that really truly mattered - something of eternal value. They went to help those in need, giving an unbelievable amount of themselves. I was impressed by the way they handled questions of poverty. It is so hard seeing and living among people who hardly have enough food to put in their stomachs to survive and then coming back to the United States where we are often gluttonous and wasteful. They made it very evident that there is both great "abundance" and great "need" in this world. They symbolized this by having someone carry a rod with a basket/bucket on either side of their shoulders. At the end, they placed this rod on the cross. That's where our questions and our desires need to go. That is where/what our focus needs to be.
I look back on my years at Wheaton and so many papers that I wrote and think about what I took away from those years and those many hours devoted to study. Professors were constantly asking me, "What are you going to do with your life?" and really making me think about Kingdom issues. It was a question that I had to answer - they were assignments after all! The truth is, though, that I don't know how much I actually truly made myself wrestle with that question. I usually answered this question by saying that we are all called to living a life of Christian service and full-time ministry. After all, all of our lives are to reflect our beliefs and are to be a witness to be to the glory of God (I admit - it was kind of a cop-out answer). I have felt this constant pressure in the back of my mind and heart that I need to have " a good job" and at least be able to live at a certain "income level", thinking that I can always devote my extra-vocational time to ministry and the Church. This weekend, the last string to that "need" was cut. I find myself incredibly hungry for Truth and things of eternal value. I want to read the Bible cover to cover. I am just soaking in Truth. After months of feeling like I was on very rocky soil, feeling like I was drowning for so much of the time, barely holding on, I find my heart incredibly tender and thirsting for God and His Word. It is as though a plow has loosened up a very very rocky piece of land. Some seed has been sown and that seed is beginning to grow. The importance now is to keep out the weeds from taking root and making sure that those seeds get enough water and light so that they continue to grow and bloom.
I have been struck by how easy it is to fall into the mundanity(?)/mundane of life. I don't want my life to be about going through one day at a time, though, just following a routine. I want to live each day intentionally with a complete focus on Christ and His Kingdom. Yes, finally, after three years at Wheaton and one year out of school but still in its community, I feel like I grasp what Wheaton's motto "for Christ and His Kingdom" really means. Wheaton College is about preparing students to go out and change the world in all areas - advancing His Kingdom here on earth. What better mission is there in life than that???
As I have shared this with others, I have gotten responses of excitement and encouragement.People say things like, "Laura, it is so good that you are thinking about that and wanting to do that at your age." Well, it's one thing to be thinking about it, but it is another thing to follow through and respond in obedience and truly make those changes. Plus, how have I allowed my focus to be misplaced.
Andrew and I are finding ourselves in a place of waiting. We are beginning to open doors and explore opportunities and areas of vocation that we had previously shut. At times it is scary, but when I catch myself starting to fear, I ask myself, "Laura, how can you say that your life is all about Christ and not trust Him that if this is what He has for you that it is the absolute best thing for you and that He will provide for you/us in ways that are beyond your imagination? Why are you limiting who God is and what He can do???" Christ calls us to leave everything behind and follow Him. I am in the process of laying down the things that tie me down, which are mostly expectations and pictures of how I had imagined what life was going to look like.
My job at Clapham is coming to an end at the beginning of June and it looks like I will be moving on to something else. The question of what that something else is remains open. I would greatly appreciate your prayers for peace and confidence in God's plan. I know that God has a plan and that his purpose for me/us is so good. He desires me to prosper and to grow. Pray that I will not let go of that truth for a second.
We would also greatly appreciate your prayers concerning the years to come. We are in the process of exploring several different options. Pray that in this process we would keep our eyes on Christ and seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness - and not our own! Pray for eyes to see the way God sees the world and our lives. Pray for attentive ears and open hearts to hear his still small voice and for hearts that embrace His leading.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you for all of you who have been praying for me and our marriage in these last several months. God is answering your prayers. We would so greatly appreciate your continued prayers for those things as well as the things listed above.
Please let me know if anything is unclear. Please forgive poor writing and any portions that tended to drift off - I tend to write as I think and process. :0) I know I need to work on be a more clear and concise communicator.
I would love to hear any thoughts or comments that you might have. I hope and pray that you are all doing well. If you are looking for a good and inspiring read, read "the practice of the presence OF GOD" by Brother Lawrence. It will change your life if you truly allow its content to take root in your own life.
